The One With the Phoebe Buffay Salad

JT: Today I’m pleased to turn over my blog to my very special guest, Phoebe Buffay, to give her recipe for a salad. Phoebe, take it away!

Phoebe Buffay

Phoebe Buffay

Phoebe Buffay: Thanks, JT. Blog. What a silly word. Blog. Rhymes with clog. Or flog. Could you flog a blog into a clog? Say, I could write a song about that. [Singing] I’ll flog this blog into this pesky clog…

JT: Uh, Phoebe. Salads?

Phoebe: Oh, right. Salads. Being a vegetarian, as I am, salads are very dear to my heart, because what’s the main ingredient in salads? That’s right. Vegetables!

So you want to start with the basics—a nice bed of lettuce. Just about any kind of lettuce will do, but not iceberg lettuce. No, no, no. Never iceberg lettuce. We wouldn’t want to run the risk of a shipwreck, now would we? What? Haven’t you ever seen Titanic?

Scallion, NOT spring onion

Scallion, NOT spring onion

I also like to use baby spinach. Monica tells me that baby spinach is not really lettuce, but—who cares?!

Now once you have your basic bed of lettuce, you want to start adding more vegetables. I like to chop up some carrots and mushrooms and radishes and scallions. And while we’re on the subject of scallions, I’d just like to say I lament this recent trend to call them spring onions. They are not onions, spring or any other kind. They’re scallions! Get with the program, people!

Oh, pardon me. I guess I got carried away there.

Pronounced BAH-zil

Pronounced BAH-zil

Anyway, after I’ve added the chopped up vegetables, I season the salad with some chopped fresh basil. That’s pronounced BAH-zil, as in Basil Rathbone or Basil Fawlty. Not, and this is important, not BAY-zil. BAY-zil reminds me of Baywatch. Sorry, Joey.

Now I add the salt and extra virgin olive oil and then I begin to toss the salad. This is the part I like. Tossing the salad. You should try it sometime.

Once the vegetables are nicely coated with the olive oil, then and only then, can you add some chopped up tomato. If you add the tomato earlier, its juices will give you a soggy salad, and believe me, there’s nothing worse than a soggy salad. Well, actually, I can think of some worse things…but never mind!

The Phoebe Buffay Salad

The Phoebe Buffay Salad

Now some people like to use vinegar, but I’m in sort of a citrusy mood right now, so I like to take a lime, slice it in half, and squeeze the juice out that lime. Hey, do you know why British soldiers are called limeys? Well, neither do I, but I think it has something to do with limes.

Toss the salad again to really blend those juices, then transfer to a plate. For the finishing touch I like to add an avocado, but be careful when you put it under the knife. You don’t want to get avocado hand, or you might get some unwelcome blood in your salad. Heh-heh.

And that’s my salad.

JT: Thank you,  Feebs. I think we all learned something today…

Phoebe: [reaching for her guitar] And now for some music. [singing] Smelly Cat, Smelly cat what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, smelly cat it’s not your fault…

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