I wanted to try a new cake recipe.

It required that I use a food processor to grind up and blend some of the ingredients.

Over 30 years ago my parents gave me a small food processor as a Christmas present. I remember being a bit disappointed at how small it was, but as it turned out, since I almost always cook for just one person (that would be moi), it has turned out to be a perfect size for most of what I’ve wanted to make with it. Only a very few times did I find myself having to divide up the ingredients into smaller batches, and over 30 years later, it’s still working!

But— 

A few years ago I decided I wanted a larger processor, just for those few occasions when I might need it, so I bought a regular sized Cuisinart food processor.

And it’s mostly just sat on the cupboard shelf since then.

But today I decided I would need it as the volume of the ingredients would be too large for the smaller one to handle in one batch, so I pulled the Cuisinart off the shelf.

The first thing I needed to do was to grind up some bread crumbs. Sounded simple enough.

But I couldn’t get the damned thing to work. I’d press the pulse button and nothing happened. Was the outlet to blame? Nope. Oh, I see, I didn’t have the damned lid closed tightly enough to press down on the locking mechanism.

I tried and tried, I huffed and puffed, but I couldn’t get the bloody lid to close. Until finally, with a pinch of the fingers (ouch!) I managed to close it. And the pulse button worked!

Except I hadn’t put all the bread inside so I had to open it and put the rest of the bread in. And once again I couldn’t get that goddamned miserable lid to close.

Then I had a brainstorm.

Why not just press the locking mechanism down with a knife so that I could get the bread shredded. Not the best solution, but it was a plan.

Which I proceeded to execute.

And when I pressed the pulse button, the lid, not being tightly closed, flew open—sending millions of bread crumbs all over the counter and the floor!

&*$*@*!!!!!!!

Don’t laugh! Not funny!

I know when I’m licked.

After cleaning up the counter and floor, I decided to take a look at the Cuisinart manual. It was no help at all. Then I watched the demonstration video that came with the blasted machine, and I watched as the petite woman effortlessly snapped the lid into place. How the f!ck did she do that?!?

Feeling inadequate as all hell, I took a closer look at the lid.

And I came to an amazing conclusion.

I had the lid on backwards.

Righting my mistake, the lid snapped into place with a minimum of effort.

To prevent a recurrence of said mistake, I took a black marker and labelled the Front and Ass sides of the lid so this will never happen again.

So why did Cuisinart make a lid that even approximately fit on backwards? I dunno. Oh, and there’s no picture of the crumb-filled counter and floor, because I was in no mood to pull out my phone at that point.

Excuse me while I place an order for delivery, as I’m in no mood to cook right now.